this feeling isn’t sudden, it’s more like…a reoccurring dream or extended thought process, except that I am awake, sometimes asleep, whatever. I am overwhelmed with this feeling of being on a totally different wavelength than the people that I am surrounded by, excluding a few here and there and for months now, I have felt like I do not belong in this city. like this place is not for me on a long term surpassing college graduation. I don’t know. maybe I am wrong, but only time will tell really.
but I do know that I have begun to realize and observe the people in and out of my life. some more than others and those that are more than others, I have tried to reach out to during different times. initiating conversations or suggesting meet ups that are not just mere initiations or suggestions, but sincere gestures with a 95% chance of following through. my word. and these efforts have a lot of weight on their side, but on the other end, where I would hope to find reciprocation—it is borderline empty. a scam in the end.
revelation: the time that I have spent to show others love and concern, the help that I have given, the actions that I have displayed with ease as a part of my character, revealing my loyalty, reliability, and honesty…ends up being a waste to many. acknowledged by some. a treasure to few.
and so I think that it is my time to close back in and focus. not secluded to the point where I am dismissive of new connections and interactions, just smart about the ones that I continue caressing when the caressing is no longer necessary.
maybe I have tried too hard to find those people who understand me, who I have things in common with, that motivate and inspire me instead of sucking me dry of my own motivation and inspiration, who can offer the things that they ask for.
this thing, whatever it is, is not here when it comes to people I can call, people that want to build something beautiful.
I have always been pretty good at maintaining a balance between work and play, keeping open time to call people and meet up, do things together offline, in the flesh. yes. in the flesh.
but I am tired. very very tired…
and it is time to breathe easy, focus on my work, and wait. wait for new beginnings. whatever needs to come, will come because I no longer possess the urge to chase it.
